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Wed, Jul. 21st, 2004, 06:01 pm

ive decided not to see him again. its for my own selfish good but right now i dont mind. it hurts me so much to see him and act like were just friends, because no-one else could ever understand our jokes or our thoughts, we just seem so right together. which is why i dont want to have to say goodbye to him again. its not the saying hello or talking or spending time with him, its at the end, when he just says "bye" and walks off. thats the bit that really sinks it in. so, no more.
i let go. im not sure whether he realised the last time we spoke would be the last time or not. but, if he hasnt worked it out yet he will eventually.
im beginning to miss him less now, although the times that i do are hard and they seem endless. but deep down i know it'll end, or at least lessen to the point where i wont notice. im finding ways to stop the boredom and loneliness, one involves me starting to actually love myself and not hating being alone. it was my day off today, so i went shopping and bought stuff..and the most gorgeous pair of shoes, they have a cat's face on the toe and her tail wrapping around the side and theyre red&black mmmm. rich would have liked them. he'd also have liked the shirt i bought.
i dont know what im gonna do if/when i bump into him, unexpected and unprepared. i dont want to just ignore him, because i dont want him to hate me but...im starting to really get bad feelings for him, like anger and hate.i dont blame myself though, i mean, why should i when he was so horrible to me? i always push those days to the back of my mind. the ones where he hated me for wanting him to take me to the hospital, or the ones where he'd take ali (his other 'best friend') out instead of me and leave me at home after shouting and hurling abuse at me. or the times where he'd make me feel non-existent and worthless.
why does he get to be happy when he made my life disintegrate and only exist for him, and then tell me he doesnt even want me anymore and theres nothing i can do because he doesnt want to try and work things out he just wants me to fall into his little life plan where im at his beck&call as someone to bitch to and maybe shag if he's not getting any. why should i let him be happy? i dont have to. because i love him so so much? and i want him to be happy? well yes i do, but it's just not fucking fair that he gets to go 'home' to a nice happy family and go out all the time and seen as he's already over ME find some skinny pretty girl who likes to talk about bands? huh? does that sound FUCKING FAIR TO YOU? NO I DONT FUCKING THINK SO.
my moods scare me. im so worked up about it, and i cant stop these feelings, ive tried, they only come back again and if i dont find some outlet soon im worried i might fuck things up between us. oh wait, he's already done that,see! i dont even get the chance to fuck things up and let it all out, because he doesnt WANT that therefore he gets his own way yet again. unbelievable. one of the things or 'reasons' as he likes to call them, was that we always did what I wanted and he never got his own way, well, yeah, i dont have to say it. motherFUCKER aaaaaaaagh.
on another note, all the signs in my life have been pointing towards good things and positive outcomes, so...mayeb ill be ok soon? im okay now, im happy a lot of the time, but, see, like it's now half past 6. what am i going to do in the hours and hours before i can even think about sleep? agh, and im doing well in stopping myself txt him or see him. even though his mail got sent here and he'll probably want it. i will not see him though. i just wont. i dont care how much i love him, i will not see him or speak to him or worry about the fact that he's getting his hair dreaded soon and i'll probably burst into tears and fall in love with him again as soon as i see him. another good...oh what am i saying, this fucking hurts, this fucking, fucking, really hurts. and now my mind is playing the old trick of: its ok hollie, he'll come round as soon as he really starts missing you. and: absence makes the heart grow fonder! fuck that, i just want the coolest person in the universe back in my life where he belongs.
see, if i stop typing its gonna hit me and im gonna have nothing to do except mope around trying not to think about him. which never worked so far.
even my illness is better and i could go down the local again, but, on my own? id just be moping around there too.
why cant he just want to love me? why does he want to be so alone? not that he does. he just wants new friends and to fall in love with someone else oh my god i felt very sick writing that. why why why.
i really felt that we'd be together a lot longer than a year and a half this time. i felt like it was forever. or at least till ..i dont know. later. i spose you never expect it. otherwise you'd be the one doing the heartbraking.
im so bored.
all i have to do is sit on my big empty bed and watch mindless tv. again. and again. and again. and again.

Mon, Jul. 12th, 2004, 07:07 pm

went for a walk with rich on sunday, were just friends now. i see things from a different perspective now, and im not sure whether i was as in love with him as i thought. hurts less, kinda happy now because ive lost a non-working relashionship, and gained a best friend who ive missed for a long time.
my heads in turmoil still though.
when we were leaving on sunday he said that he was glad i feel the same way because he was thinking hed made the wrong decision. im still kicking myself over not saying anything. keep telling myself that ive pushed him even further away. but then maybe he needs time alone. i know i do. just dont want to see him once a week and not be able to hug him or sit on his lap. i dont know, i want to give it time, but, time seems so far away its hard making just one hour go by.
maybe going back to work will help.
ill still be coming back an empty house tho, and ill still have to cook for just me again.
i dont think id mind the loneliness if i knew i had something to look forward to in the near future.
but then, i can see how we should just be friends and not always together becuase we fight so much and i hate not liking him and him not liking me. we end up not being friends and thats horrible.
my heads such a mess. it would settle a lot more if i could just talk to him again, and even after talking to him for two hours i still dont know if he really misses me. i miss him, i guess its because its a big shock to be used to living with someone and spending most of your time with them to going to never or hardly ever seeing them. i just dont want to wait for this feeling to go away because i really really like loving him. i think he liked loving me too. but he keeps saying he doesnt see me in that way anymore. but the things he did makes me not believe him.
i keep hoping that hes testing us or something. or that he does want me really but knows its a bad combination. i dont care tho! im willing to only see him a few times a week and get on with my own life. thats whats happening i think. but i ...dont know anymore. he got teary when i said i wasnt really in love with him either. what does that mean?? does it mean that it hurts him to let me go? or that it made him realise he does still love me in that way? im sounding desperate now, i never thought id be this way.
gotta go.

Sat, Jul. 10th, 2004, 10:41 am

what do i listen to when i dont want to be reminded of him?
he left me last night. took all his things and now my room is mine again and very very empty.
i woke up and cried, wishing to go back to my dreams. but it doesnt happen does it. it just takes time. and guts.

i only came on the computer so i could eat my breakfast with music, turns out my music cant help me i still have "this charming man" in my head which makes things worse. i woke up with it in my head. ate with bob the cat instead, he can change when he wants to.

gotta go, my dads taking me out for lunch and shopping.

sweet dreams

he even called me sweetie when he was putting his stuff into bags

Wed, Jul. 7th, 2004, 04:51 pm
garfield movie! and alien vs predator! and and and...

figured id update.

have new job in florists
they let me have green hair
which is good

starting nvq2 in sept in floristry
ill have qualifications
which is good


jeremy is, we've decided, not quite all there
quite likely planning a £ scam or murder..
which is bad

its raining, and my nice stripey jumper has developed giant holes. :(
AND the red bull had no effect on me today, and i badly needed it, hmff.

saw shrek2 the other day (walking his dog) :)
funny and loud
the people behind us had a torch and kept shining it on the screen, stupids.

i also 'accidentally' told gran that mum smokes pot..okay, not accidentally. >:)

i miss and love rich xxx

my legs and arms are cold and i wanna get stoned and pissed so i can be tired and feel crappy at work tomorow...

bye :p

Fri, Apr. 16th, 2004, 02:50 pm
fine. *stomps foot meanly*

i think i should be crowned QUEEN birthday-present-finder-for-rich
look! http://www.popcornlive.co.uk/prodpage.asp?ProdID=5019
these things exist!

he shall be happy

i spose it has been..what, three months since updating?
weeeell, im looking for a job which isnt shit and seen as i do live near wimborne theres lots of drinking holes down there..
so getting a job as close to one of these is essential!

mrm...we have a cat called bob (mother's lack of taste boyfriend's: hence the name) who is a gorgeous grey with white paws and cute white face, absolutely terrified of everything loud, movable and non-bedlike. but he loves me so i dont mind
yes anyway he is now offically NOT going to be the newest resident of texas! hurah! apparently 'no pets allowed' although WHY mothers bfriend (who everyone thinks is a serial-killer) was sending him to live with his brother in texas i do not know.poor kittie.


my grandma just *very very nearly* saw me open a letter addressed to my bf containing a black lace thong!! curtosy of my fucking weird uncle and aunty who blamed it on their kitten!
although im pretty sure cats avoid sellotape..
but then he does seem awfully human-like..
could he really be an alien in a kitten costume?

soul calibur 2 is so good! you're not getting it back greenie mwahahahaha although rich is *still* playing as voldo so maybe that would be a good idea

must find energy source


Fri, Apr. 16th, 2004, 02:48 pm



Wed, Jan. 21st, 2004, 06:14 pm
weeeee! i thought id update!

seen as i just realised how easy it is to upload pics in win xp, i decided to post some!

my newest purchase..u know i cant resist cartoony bags


more pics, obv i DIDNT put noodie ones in as i am a prude and do not want my pussy on the net thanku!

:D :D :D a demonstration of how to play the shoot-the-malteaser-at-rich-game..heehee

i swear merlin is human, look at the expression!!

mush mush mush

but OH so cute

i love you sweetie xxxx

well that was fun, not really an update, but nothings really happened, OH apart from ive quit college --> im going in to see john tomorow bout it (i wanna restart next year, but will hav2 pay)
and i have no job, which is nice! cos i woke up late on sat and couldnt be arsed to ever go in again, so i didnt fone..fell asleep...and they sacked me! THANKU SUPERBUYS, for an amazing time, ill *really really* miss the till and the weirdos and the cackers and the bums and...no, wait, i chose it over quitting so i would get my week in hand. although knowing them ill probably never even get a letter actually saying that i dont work there anymore..
but u know what? i will never ever have to be watched over by leslie, or sort out hairbands again! or wear those evil shoes...ahhhhhh :)

ramble over x })i({

Wed, Jan. 7th, 2004, 04:00 am

im in a strange mood
i feel like being myself
its strange

i cant really say whats on my mind, ive been developing my second sight though. i feel a lot better, its like a lot of things in my life, it felt like a blockage was suddenly un-blocked and i have my inspiration again!
ive changed again, i keep evolving. things effect my daily life which are as simple as staring into space. or being on the till at work, or thinking, or pouring a glass water. its like ive got super-senses and no time to guide them. always busy. with company, never without something to do

im seriously considering taking this year out to take pictures. i could probably get next year free because of my circumstances. i just dont want to be stuck in the rut im in anymore! its making me sick, i have things to do, like decorate and organise stuff. and, go to college. what the hell is my problem? i keep telling myself that i really enjoy what im doing and its great and the work ive gotta do will eventually earn me money in the long run.
well its nice to say all this now. about how much i would love to go and get qualifications and actually DO something, how easily i could write essays and research and study artists. well, thats because its half 3 in the morning and its always this time that i want to do something with my life, i mean hell, ive had all fucking day to think about it. but still, i know that when i wake up in the morning when rich gets up, ill be a zombie. so ill fall asleep again. nice.
and so it continues..
waiting for my dream career to find me HAAAAAAA yes. i know

we all want this
my problem is that im naive enought to still believe in happy endings.

im so stupid. i just realised something.
im waiting for rich to go to uni till i actually 'get on' with my life..
..cos i dont wanna waste any time i could be spending with him
only once have i thought about the impending doom, and that left me with scars
ill only see him at weekends (i naturally assume it will be less, due to reality).
i could keep myself busy, doing my coursework, and taking pictures.

but then i think.
and hope to my gods that i dont fall further down,
i love him so much now, i know it will be worse by then, for both of us. he doesnt think of it either. i can tell when he does, which is never. im filled with dread
and the worst part? i can see all my possible futures
its like my life doesnt follow fate
or it does, but only decides when it gets there
or just teases me with them all, not letting me see the real one.

so what is it to be? do nothing and slowly get to next year by crawling? or get back on my feet, and start doing nothing but work?
crawl or walk.
crawl, or walk.
crawl. or. walk.
crawl for eight months then work like shit as will have nothing better to do
or walk. go in and beg for them to teach me. stay behind, make myself work and dont not do it because im tired, exhausted, hungry, rich has finished work, friends are free, feel like having time to self, faeries, cats, the real me.

sigh x

Tue, Dec. 16th, 2003, 11:32 pm
Gather round children, for tonight's story is one of great significance:

There once was a farmer named Jack who was both very lazy and very quick-witted. Now one day, the Devil came to Jack to tempt him, but Jack tricked the Devil into climbing a tree. The Devil could not climb down, and asked Jack for help. "On one condition," Jack replied. "That you not allow me into hell." The Devil could not very well refuse, so he grudgingly agreed and Jack helped him down. As everything does, eventually Jack died. He went straight to hell, but the Devil kept his word, and would not let him in. Jack traveled to heaven, but he had been so bad during his life, they would not let him in heaven either. So Jack hollowed out one of his gourds (it was originally a turnip) and made a lantern out of it. Even now he wanders the face of the world, trying to find somewhere he can stay...

Mon, Dec. 15th, 2003, 08:34 pm
boredom prevails

What color are your wings? by hallucinajunkie
your name?
your sign?
your wings are:Pink
you are a:Dragon
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

Which Evil Criminal are You?

Which Historical Lunatic Are You?
From the fecund loins of Rum and Monkey.

Are you damned?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

You're coming back! And if you are a Hindu you are going to have very specific characteristics:

"The slayer of a woman and the destroyer of embryos becomes a savage full of diseases; who commits illicit intercourse, a eunuch; who goes with his teacher’s wife, disease-skinned. The eater of flesh becomes very red; the drinker of intoxicants, one with discolored teeth...." (Garuda Purana)

Which Survivor of the Impending Nuclear Apocalypse Are You?
A Rum and Monkey joint.

Which Colossal Death Robot Are You?

My insulting name is Shoesniffer Shitbags!
What's yours?


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