i just realised that i havent really written about rich in these last few entries
i just read through the ones about the breakup, and, its amazing..
i feel so good reading them! to know that that motherfucker is finally out of my life now and im actually making a new start for myself and being happy!!
its so good! i dont mean to sound all up myself because im not, but i am quite proud of myself, i got myself through that horrible horrible stage of my life and ive come out the other side the same person!
i was so scared of what would happen to me, he really shook me to my foundations and i didnt even know whether i was heading in the right direction, or if i was just a shell with nothing inside? he really did a number on my head not just my heart
a few things have happened recently that made me *really* think about things. i feel ive got life, or at least our relationship, in perspective and its good. yes, good.
when he dumped me for the last time (and yes it really is the last time hes ever going to dump me) i said i wasnt that upset about it. i wasnt lying, i cant explain it, its as if i knew it was going to happen, okay. i didnt exactly expect it! and i did go through the "NO" stage, and i cried horribly, wanted to hit him, wanted to hug him. i did hug him in fact! but looking back, i now know that that hug was the end. the last time we would ever really be connected. its sad writing that, and yes my heart just wrenched, but, my heart still wrenches at the thought of my other love breaking up with me. i guess its something that never really goes away, you just learn to respect it. and see it in the light it deserves: a beautiful, passionate, dying emotion.
the one thing (among a list) ive really REALLY learnt is to never, ever, play with the word heartbrake. i remember the night we got together again (years ago), it was a beautiful night, the stars were out and we were lying together in the grass and i realised that i had in-advertantly fallen for him! so i of course told him. and i knew he was crazy about me too, and i remember him saying to me something like "do you really think this is a good idea? because of all the other times this hasnt worked?" and, (im smiling) i said one of the most lovely things i ever have said: "yes, i do, i love you so much, i cant imagine being in love with any other person on this entire planet, and i want to give you my heart, even if you end up braking it into a million pieces, all the time we spend together will make up for it because i love you so fucking much" aw. well, you know something? all through this awful awful time i kept telling myself that i was so stupid for saying that! yes he hurt me, time and time again i wished to die. and i felt like i was slowly being eaten away by sorrow and heartbrake. and he may be a COMPLETE arse now. but back then, he was my sweetie. and it sounds strange to hear myself saying this, but i dont regret it anymore. i couldnt have wished for a more loving partener and lover, friend and councilor. and ill always love him. but ill always love steve too, and he really IS a monster. :)
in the end, ive gone through love, fights, heartache, and heartbrake. and i have come out the other side to discover a whole WORLD of opportunities! and i think that when we slept together a few weeks ago, and he didnt give two shits in the morning, i finally let go. finally. and now im on my own again in the world of love, and im not scared! in fact, im even (stupidly) looking forward to the next one! ill probably make all the same mistakes all over again and end up hurting and getting hurt, in fact itll probably be even worse (because lets face it, it always is. but look at me, im living proof that naievity and silly faith in human nature doesnt aways result in an ill fated death.
im still the same person as i was all those years ago, only this time, im not gonna take so much shit! and i KNOW to take things slowly because its in my nature to jump at things that sound good. and that has landed me in so much shit. un-neccesary shit too! like spending time with someone even though i know full well that ill regret it in the morning, kinda like me and vodka. it just isnt a good idea.
so there you have it, my life. me. and you know what im gonna do next? im gonna have some fun. FUN. i can hardly remember the last time i had a long period of fun, so that is waht i am going to do. im gonna go out with my friends and im gonna stay in with my friends, im gonna drink, and go see megadeth in february, and lacuna coil anf in flames in december. im gonna spend stupid amounts of money on clothes and SHOES and bass guitars! and hair dye! and presents for my poor friends who have had to put up with me and rich all these sodding years!
and most of all? yep. LOUD MUSIC.
thanks for listening xxx